Freakin’ Fruit Fly Frenzy

For the last week I have kept the vacuum cleaner in the kitchen, hose cocked and ready.  Every 30 minutes or so I get a nervous and grumpy look from my dog as I fire up the noisy machine and brandish my wand.  Sometimes my husband or daughter helped by standing at my side to point here and there while I, holding my tubular weapon deftly in my right hand, swoop and parry, sucking up all the tiny bodies in my path.

You see, we have been suffering from what my 13 year-old calls the “Insect Apocalypse from which we are all Gonna Die!”  In other words, we are battling a particularly nasty plague of annoying little  fruit flies.

Of course we always expect the nuisance of those random, zig-zag buzzing buggars who zoom in on the scent of the perfectly ripe banana or freshly poured glass of red wine in the late summer months, but this is NOVEMBER and their numbers had been growing exponentially!  This was far beyond the normal occasional clapping of hands to catch the one hovering over the bowl of berries.

We reached the point where we were taking out the garbage and sterilizing the kitchen every couple of hours.  I put the garlic rope in the fridge and the bamboo plant outside in hopes of ridding the house of the bug breeding-ground.  No change.  Still a constant influx of tiny fruit flies to laugh in our faces and spit on our meals.  Even the cats and dog had begun to swat and snap at the annoying, face-crowding insects.

Now, I have always believed myself a humanitarian.  I insist upon freeing spiders, houseflies and bees that I had humanely catch in a cup against the wall or window rather than smushing them or leaving them to die.  But this swarm of miniscule, food-loving buggars had me researching and building deadly traps made of vinegar and dish-soap, and I

found myself celebrating each dead body I found floating in the toxic mixture.  I even fantasized about putting one of these fruit-fly-attracting concoctions into the open microwave oven to lure a cloud of tiny-winged offenders into the appliance and WHAM – slam the door shut and set the timer for 30 beautiful seconds during which I was sure I would see them sparkle and and explode like itty-bitty fireworks.

Then two nights ago we identified what we were sure was the breeding ground for this plague – a houseplant perched on the top of the kitchen cupboards.  Of course, we thought, the roots were rotting and the tiny flies were breeding and laying eggs in the rotting roots…right?  We banished the poor plant to the side porch, shut the door and waited for the scourge of flies to dwindle.

By morning the number of bugs seemed to have waned and I was so excited that I nearly pulled a George Dubble-ya and declared “Mission Accomplished” (thank goodness I avoided

THAT embarrassment).  But once the sun rose above the hills it was clear that the six-legged demons had merely slept in.  Eventually they arrived to annoy us in full force, as usual.

I cried “Uncle” and began my weekly cleaning routine, and that is when I make an exciting, yet disgusting, discovery.  I found EXACTLY where the late-night insect orgies had been happening and was able to put a stop to it immediately.  The bag of potatoes in the bottom of the pantry had become a shameful fruit-fly brothel and the off-spring of this debauchery was wreaking havoc upon our home life.  A brisk removal of the soft bag of nastiness, some scrubbing and a few more traps should end our agony soon enough.  Although there are still flying remnants of this hell zig-zagging our home, soon we should be able to relax and eat a meal without clapping out rhythms over our dinner plates, and I can sleep without vengeful dreams of creative torture devices for tiny insects.

As for that wrongly accused houseplant?  I brought it back into the house and apologized profusely.  Tropical plants don’t appreciate nights outdoors in November in the Pacific Northwest.  I don’t yet know whether I have been forgiven, but I will know soon if it chooses to wilt and turn brown in spite.  Time will tell.

Wish us luck.

The party is over....I hope!