Why Humans Should be Marsupials

(in 500 words, more or less)

            Our babies come out not quite ready for the human world.  Let’s face it, their first tiny cries scream, “Put me back!  Put me back, NOW!”  In fact, I’m pretty sure those little pink wiggly creatures are practically a different species for the first three or four months of their post-womb existence.  And I think I know why.

            We humans are supposed to be marsupials. Yep, those mammals from down-under have it all figured out, and we could learn a lesson or two from them.  The main thing that makes a marsupial a marsupial is that nifty little flesh-pocket that the females have, ingeniously outfitted with natural body heat, the rhythm of Mom’s heartbeat and an endless source of milk.

            For all of us who have had our own children, we know that the tiny infant’s needs are quite simple:  Milk, sleep, human warmth and more milk.  Soothed by the voices of family, the baby gets stronger by the day until after twelve or so weeks, she is ready to interact with the bigger environment, grab at things and try sitting up.  That’s when she’s ready to leave the pouch.

            Every day you see parents imitating kangaroos without even knowing it.  Go to the nearest family hangout (children’s museum, playground) and you’ll see several Mommas with human-made cloth contraptions strapped to their chests with a tiny human inside.  Baby is secure, warm and close to the milk-wagon.

            I have been ranting about this for years, and THEN I came across a super-interesting theory* about human gestation that totally blew my mind!  Get this – they said that way back in the time of dinosaurs - okay, not really, humans weren’t around then – but way back in time before we can even imagine what life was like, our human ancestors likely didn’t give birth until around 12 months of gestation!!  There were two main factors that shortened our pregnancies to 9 months.  First of all, we got up off of all fours and gravity started making it more difficult for our bodies to hold onto that baby for so long.  Also we started getting smarter, and therefore our brains (and skulls) grew bigger.  So if we waited a whole year to have our babies, we would never be able to squeeze their fat little heads through our pelvis!

            If we were marsupials we would have the best of both worlds.  We’d give birth to reasonably sized offspring, and then our babies could grow their brains for a few more weeks in the comfort and safety of their mom’s flesh-pocket.  Now, I’m not trying to instigate a new plastic surgery trend of skin grafts stretched across our abdomens, although that would make bikini season rather interesting.  I guess we’ll just keep doing our best to imitate the marsupials with fabric baby-slings, front-packs and other things strapped to our chests and make the best of our slightly inferior pouchless human bodies.

*This is where I would cite where to find that theory, but since my mind is like a steel trap-door, that information escaped me long ago.  If you know, you're welcome to share.